Cancrelat Noces
by Thena and Blue
Summary: Grissom gets married, but it's not what you think. AU. Not ideal for GSR shippers or Grissom lovers. Complete parody.


Disclaimer: Not ours, never will be.

Authors' Note:

Thena: We have no explanation for this. None at all.

Blue: I think we may have been drunk….wait…no we weren't. Yes, we are quite mentally unstable. Oh, look at the shiny colours!

Thena: A/U. GSR shippers or Grissom fans should probably back away slowly.

Cancrelat Noces

Sara Sidle opened the cream envelope with trembling fingers. The white card fell to the floor and she read it slowly.

_Gil Grissom and Heather Blatta invite you to their wedding…_

The rest of the words were a blur to the young woman as tears welled up in her eyes. She hadn't even realized that he was seeing someone, let alone engaged. He was supposed to marry her, not some other woman with a foreign name. Blatta. Sounded Greek or something. She was probably exotic and mysterious and a much better choice for Grissom. Sobbing now, Sara fell to the floor.

The next morning, the whole gang was in the briefing room, waiting for Grissom to appear. All of them were gossiping about the invitations, mentioning things such as "mid-life crisis" and "overworked"

When Grissom finally arrived, the room fell silent. There was an awkward silence until Greg broke it.

"You're a dark horse Grissom!"

The man in question grinned uncomfortably. "I'm glad you're all here. I'd like you to meet Heather."

Everyone looked expectantly towards the door until Grissom opened his hand, "She's already here."

Catherine, never the most subtle of people, spoke first. "It's a bug."

He immediately frowned and shielded his hand. "She's not a bug Catherine! She's a cockroach and her name is Heather! I'd like you to all say hello."

The blonde rose from her chair and walked away, muttering about calling either Ecklie or a psychiatrist.

"Er, you know Grissom; I have to work on some DNA. I'll say hi later." Greg stuttered and then ran away.

Warrick tried extremely hard not to laugh, "I have to go and talk to Brass about a warrant."

Nick wasn't quite as good at lying, "I have to…I just have to go."

Then it was just Sara, Grissom and his fiancée. He was looking hurt and whispering soothingly to Heather.

Sara tried edging out of the door but he turned and noticed. "Sara, do they hate Heather?"

"Um, no I'm sure they don't. They're probably just…jealous that you're engaged."

Grissom's face lit up at this explanation and Sara sat back down. She still loved him even if he was obviously crazy.

"Sara," he began seriously, "I'd like you to do me a favour."

Her heart sang. This thing with the cockroach was all just a ploy, a joke. He was about to propose to her for real!

"I'd like you to organize Heather's hen night."

An hour later, Sara found herself in the break room with an empty notepad and hitting her head against the wall. Why did she have to fall in love with Grissom? Why not Greg? Or Nick? Hell, even being in love with Ecklie would be better than organizing a hen night for a cockroach!

Just then, Catherine walked in. She gave the brunette a puzzled look then shrugged her shoulders and sat down.

"Aren't you going to ask me why I'm banging my head against the wall?"

"I was going to but then I decided I probably wouldn't want to know the answer."

"Grissom asked me to arrange a hen night for Heather."

The corners of Catherine's mouth twitched slightly as she tried valiantly to stop her smile. Then she gave up and laughed hysterically.

"It's not funny."

"Yes it is!"

"You have to help me!" Sara whined pitifully.

"How about a visit to the zoo?"

Catherine collapsed into another fit of laughing, leaving Sara to find inspiration elsewhere.

Out in the corridor, she ran into a very angry Conrad Ecklie.

"Is it true?" he bellowed.

"Is what true?"

"The rumour that Grissom's getting married."

Here Sara hesitated. She didn't want to lie to her boss but she didn't want to get Grissom committed to an asylum either. In the end, she settled for an in-between answer.

"I heard that rumour too. I don't know if it's true or not."

Ecklie's face crumbled like a child who had just been told that Santa doesn't exist. "If it's true, why didn't he ask me to help?"

"If you want to help with the wedding, I've got a job you could do…"

"What? I mean, why didn't he ask me to perform the ceremony?"

"Excuse me?" Sara was now beginning to believe that she hadn't actually woken up today and this was all some wacky, wacky dream.

"I got ordained over the internet last year.

"Why?"

Ecklie blushed and mumbled, "I thought that way I could marry myself to Britney Spears"

At this point, Sara changed her "dream theory" and decided that maybe she had banged her head on the wall a lot harder than she thought.

"Maybe you should go and talk to Grissom about that."

"Good idea, Sidle. Hey, what's his bride like? Another nerd like him?"

"Um…you'll definitely be surprised."

Sara went to bed as soon as she got home from work. If this was all some awful nightmare, she wanted it over and done with as soon as possible.

When she woke, the sun was streaming on her face and she was feeling incredibly refreshed. A wave over relief washed over her. This obviously meant it was a dream. She got dressed and sauntered into work, even whistling on her way.

The first person she saw was Grissom. He smiled and walked casually towards her.

"Hey Sara. How are you doing on the plans?"

"Plans for what?"

"Heather's hen night of course."

Sara's heart dropped faster than a lead balloon. It was all true. She swallowed and offered a weak smile. "Uh, I'm getting there. When is the wedding?"

Grissom looked at her oddly. "Didn't you read the invitation? It's in a week. If you could give me and Heather the plans by tomorrow, I'd really appreciate it. I'll pay for everything."

"Sure. No problem."

She spent the next thirty minutes searching for the one person that could help her.

"Catherine!"

The older woman looked up guiltily from her lunch, "I'm really sorry, Sara. I didn't realize they were your sandwiches."

"What? I don't care about that!"

"Oh, okay then. I did know they were yours. I just didn't care."

"You have to help me organize a hen night!"

"Who's even going?"

"I'm in charge of everything."

Here, a spark of interest appeared in Catherine's eyes."

"Is Grissom paying?"

"Yes."

Catherine patted Sara's shoulders and steered her out of the room. "Don't worry about a thing Sara. Leave it all to me…."

_Five days later_

Sara sat nervously in the most popular bar in town. She was holding tightly (but not too tightly) onto Heather. Catherine, Lady Heather and Wendy the lab tech were the only other people present for the Hen night.

The other three women were having great fun spending all of Grissom's money on the most potent alcohol they could find.

Lady Heather downed a shot, "I can't believe he named a cockroach after me. I don't know whether to be flattered or offended."

Catherine was having a little more trouble standing upright and slurred, "Grissom is pysch,pschy,pysschyp..oh damn it…Grissom's mental."

Sara raised her head, "Do you mean 'Grissom's psychotic'?"

"That's it!"

Lady Heather looked into the empty glass in her hand. "My alcohol seems to have gone…I'm going home. I'll stamp on any cockroaches I see on the way."

She left, Catherine, Sara and Wendy raising their glasses briefly in approval of her proposal.

Wendy looked at her new friends, "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," Catherine slurred, "I'm a mother, I know the answer to everything."

"Greg flirted with me the other day. Does that mean he likes me?"

Catherine burst out laughing while Sara tried not to follow suit.

"If he flirts with you, it means you have a pulse," Catherine advised from the floor, "Hey, how did I get down here?"

"I don't know." Sara shrugged, "Is Heather down there?"

"No, she went home. No more alcohol." Catherine giggled.

"No, creepy crawly Heather." Sara said, swaying on the stool slightly.

All three women got on the floor on their hands and knees awkwardly and clumsily scrabbled around in search of the errant cockroach.

"I found a peanut!" Wendy said brightly.

After ten minutes of searching, Wendy had gone home and Sara had Heather safely in her pocket. When she rose to her feet, she found Catherine still on the floor, snoring softly.

Shrugging, Sara decided that she was probably happy down there and wandered home.

_Day of the Wedding_

As expected of the maid of honour, Sara helped the bride get ready. This involved feeding the cockroach and attaching a tiny white veil to her head. The brunette spent the whole time cursing Gil Grissom and humanity in general. After the two minutes it took to get Heather ready, Sara got dressed herself.

_The CSI break room_

Grissom stood ready at the makeshift altar Ecklie had prepared, looking proud in his tux.

Ecklie looked even more smug and power-hungry than usual in his official position. Catherine stood ready to follow Sara and Heather, an eyebrow raised at the sheer absurdity of the proceedings.

Nick was next to Grissom as his best man, after losing a bet to Warrick.

Warrick was sitting at one of the tables, refusing point blank to take part in any of the madness.

Brass stood next to Sara, muttering under his breath. Grissom had asked his oldest friend to give the bride away and, although Brass was very reluctant, he decided to play along with the older man's delusion.

Greg was mysteriously absent, whether from a desire to avoid the general weirdness of the ceremony, or simply not wanting to be made to dress as a pageboy, Sara didn't know.

Then the music began. With a last silent prayer, Sara held out one hand with the "blushing bride" on it and grasped Brass's arm with her other.

Catherine finished the phone call she was in the middle of and grabbed her flowers, complaining how purple made her look fat.

On her way down the aisle, Sara thought how many times she had dreamed about being in this position. Of course it wasn't normally with a bug in her hand….

The ceremony went relatively quickly.

"You may now kiss the bride." Ecklie announced.

To everyone's revulsion, Grissom actually lowered his head towards the bug now in his hand and…

"Stop!" Greg cried, interrupting and skidding to a halt in the centre of the room. "I'm sorry Grissom. You've been my mentor for ages and I can't let you do this!"

Two men in white jumpsuits walked towards Grissom with a straightjacket in between them. The man was dragged off still calling the name of his new bride, who had fallen to the floor.

When he had left, everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Brass left immediately, but the others stayed. Catherine kicked off her high heels and dumped the flowers in the bin. Ecklie started complaining to Nick about people "not appreciating him"

"I guess the strain from the cases finally got to him." Catherine mused out loud.

"I guess." Sara said, stepping forward with the intent to sit down in a nearby chair.

There was an audible crunching sound.

Sara looked down, lifting her shoe and winced.

"Uh…Don't tell Grissom." She said, biting her lip. "But I think I just squished his wife…"

Author's Note:

Blue: See, told you it was random and nuts.

Thena: Blatta is Greek for "cockroach" and the title means "cockroach wedding" in Latin.


End file.
